Divided by conflict |
Bound together by conflict |
| 1. Conflict viewed as wrong, sinful, sign of not caring, something to avoid at all costs. Some may be reluctant to disagree with those they like or respect. It is avoided. | 1. Conflict viewed as inevitable, neither right nor wrong, an opportunity to grow, it can be evidence of involvement and concern. It is welcomed. |
| “If he disagrees with me, that proves he doesn’t care about me and can’t be trusted. We need to pray for a change of heart.” | “Its going to take some time and energy to work this through but it will be worth it as we both care a lot about the church and want the best outcome” |
| 2. Issues and relationships are blurred.
Relationships suffer because of disagreements between people. People treat those with whom they disagree coldly and disrespectfully. |
2. Members are able to separate issues and relationships. It is possible to disagree with people in love and continue to respect them and relate with them. |
| “I don’t see how we can possibly get along if she disagrees with me on the ….” | “I am a bit nervous about disagreements but I know it is an important part of growing together and may help us reach a creative way forward.” |
| 3. Indirect communication flourishes. Church members talk about others but not with them. | 3. Direct communication is fostered and sought even when difficult. |
| “Yes, that’s the person who told me about that pastor of ours and what he wants to change.. “ | “I am feeling uncertain and confused about our discussion last night, I’d like to sit down and talk about what happened.” |
| 4. Long ledgers – never balanced. | 4. Short ledgers – balanced promptly. |
| “Its in his blood, you know, his mother used to behave the same way when she was upset” | “Yeah, I guess I am a little hurt by all this, I need to be able work with him, so I’d better sit down and sort it out.” |
| 5. Members spiritualize conflict to avoid it and diminish others. Equating personal opinion with God’s will. Call for others to get right with God. | 5. Members draw personal strength from spirituality to enter conflict while maintaining a gentle and humble spirit. |
| “The right thing to do in this situation is absolutely clear, simply read the Bible, it is there in black and white, disobey God’s instruction at your peril… “ | “Lord, grant me the wisdom and patience to see things I cannot at the moment grasp, the courage to speak truthfully in love and a willingness to acknowledge when I am wrong.” |
| 6. Members vacillate between feeling too powerful and too weak. | 6. Members accept responsibility to seek change. They do not exaggerate their own strengths or weaknesses. Each person takes prompt steps to clarify communication when there is confusion. |
| “We’ll see who comes out of this with egg on their face” “Poor …, we are all just helpless victims of abusive tyranny.” | “I accept that I might have misunderstood you, can we go through this one more time so that I can be confident I understand what it is you would like out of this?” |
| 7. Atmosphere is reactive. Each side reacts to and attacks the other with reflecting on the views shared. | 7. Atmosphere is interactive. Careful listening to understand the needs and desires of the other. ‘ I statements’ are shared, attacks are avoided, thoughtful information is made available. |
| “Your problem is a lack of common sense and decency. That is a stupid idea and offensive to any thoughtful person.” | “That help me significantly to understand your reasons for opposing the change. I think I see your concerns and agree in part with you about ….” |
| 8. Leaders discourage disagreements and seek to encourage peace through calling for harmony and forgiveness. | 8. Leaders invite disagreement and assist people sharing their ideas, needs and viewpoints. |
| “If we could just put aside our differences and forgive one another everything will be fine and we can be a family again, brothers and sisters in Christ”. | “We will have many different ways of looking at this. Lets see if we can get as many of these out on the table and understand the merits of each view before we try to move to a decision” |
| 9. Group discussion is solution focused. | 9. Group discussion is process focused seeking to explore the problem before a solution is sought. |
| ‘“X” is the only possibility. No “Y” is the best way to do this. OK but I will not accept any alternative but “Z”’ | “Lets spend a little time agreeing how we will go about discussing this and reaching a decision. First we need to define the issue clearly, after that generate as many options and approaches to the issue we can come up with, then we will evaluate the main points of each option and seek a collaborative solution.” |
| 10. Low tolerance of uncertainty | 10. Calmness and confidence enable members to tolerate periods of uncertainty necessary in all good decision making. |
| “Look, lets have a church meeting, put it to the vote and be done with it” | “It took some time and was a little scary when we produced some radical options, but we got there in the long run and everyone is happy with the decision.” |
Adapted by Tim Dyer
from Mennonite Conciliation Service