{"id":104,"date":"2011-05-09T14:06:37","date_gmt":"2011-05-09T14:06:37","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/johnmark.net.au\/kz\/?p=104"},"modified":"2011-05-09T14:06:37","modified_gmt":"2011-05-09T14:06:37","slug":"habits-in-conflict-divide-or-bound-together","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/johnmark.net.au\/ps\/?p=104","title":{"rendered":"Habits in Conflict: Divided or Bound Together"},"content":{"rendered":"\n\n<\/col>\n<\/col>\n<\/colgroup>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n
\n

Divided by conflict<\/h3>\n<\/td>\n

\n

Bound together by conflict<\/h3>\n<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n

1. Conflict viewed as wrong<\/strong>, sinful, sign of not caring, \t\t\tsomething to avoid at all costs. Some may be reluctant to \t\t\tdisagree with those they like or respect. It is avoided.<\/td>\n1. Conflict viewed as inevitable<\/strong>, neither right nor \t\t\twrong, an opportunity to grow, it can be evidence of involvement \t\t\tand concern. It is welcomed.<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
“If he disagrees with me, that proves he doesn’t care \t\t\tabout me and can’t be trusted. We need to pray for a change of \t\t\theart.”<\/td>\n\u201cIts going to take some time and energy to work this through \t\t\tbut it will be worth it as we both care a lot about the church and \t\t\twant the best outcome\u201d<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
2. Issues and relationships are \t\t\tblurred.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Relationships suffer because of disagreements between people. \t\t\tPeople treat those with whom they disagree coldly and \t\t\tdisrespectfully.<\/td>\n

\n

2. Members are able to separate issues and relationships<\/strong>. \t\t\t It is possible to disagree with people in love and continue to \t\t\trespect them and relate with them.<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n

“I don’t see how we can possibly get along if she \t\t\tdisagrees with me on the ….\u201d<\/td>\n\u201cI am a bit nervous about disagreements but I know it is an \t\t\timportant part of growing together and may help us reach a \t\t\tcreative way forward.\u201d<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
3. Indirect communication flourishes<\/strong>. Church members \t\t\ttalk about others but not with them.<\/td>\n3. Direct communication is fostered<\/strong> and sought even \t\t\twhen difficult.<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
“Yes, that’s the person who told me about that pastor of \t\t\tours and what he wants to change.. \u201c<\/td>\n\u201cI am feeling uncertain and confused about our discussion \t\t\tlast night, I’d like to sit down and talk about what happened.\u201d<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
4. Long ledgers – never balanced.<\/strong><\/td>\n4. Short ledgers \u2013 balanced promptly.<\/strong><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
“Its in his blood, you know, his mother used to behave the \t\t\tsame way when she was upset\u201d<\/td>\n\u201cYeah, I guess I am a little hurt by all this, I need to be \t\t\table work with him, so I’d better sit down and sort it out.\u201d<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
5. Members spiritualize conflict<\/strong> to avoid it and \t\t\tdiminish others. Equating personal opinion with God’s will. Call \t\t\tfor others to get right with God.<\/td>\n5. Members draw personal strength from spirituality<\/strong> to \t\t\tenter conflict while maintaining a gentle and humble spirit.<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
\u201cThe right thing to do in this situation is absolutely clear, \t\t\tsimply read the Bible, it is there in black and white, disobey \t\t\tGod’s instruction at your peril… \u201c<\/td>\n\u201cLord, grant me the wisdom and patience to see things I \t\t\tcannot at the moment grasp, the courage to speak truthfully in \t\t\tlove and a willingness to acknowledge when I am wrong.\u201d<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
6. Members vacillate <\/strong>between feeling too powerful and \t\t\ttoo weak.<\/td>\n6. Members accept responsibility to seek change<\/strong>. They \t\t\tdo not exaggerate their own strengths or weaknesses. Each person \t\t\ttakes prompt steps to clarify communication when there is \t\t\tconfusion.<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
\u201cWe’ll see who comes out of this with egg on their face\u201d \t\t\t\u201cPoor …, we are all just helpless victims of abusive tyranny.\u201d<\/td>\n\u201cI accept that I might have misunderstood you, can we go \t\t\tthrough this one more time so that I can be confident I understand \t\t\twhat it is you would like out of this?\u201d<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
7. Atmosphere is reactive<\/strong>. Each side reacts to and \t\t\tattacks the other with reflecting on the views shared.<\/td>\n7. Atmosphere is interactive.<\/strong> Careful listening to \t\t\tunderstand the needs and desires of the other. ‘ I statements’ are \t\t\tshared, attacks are avoided, thoughtful information is made \t\t\tavailable.<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
\u201cYour problem is a lack of common sense and decency. That is \t\t\ta stupid idea and offensive to any thoughtful person.\u201d<\/td>\n\u201cThat help me significantly to understand your reasons for \t\t\topposing the change. I think I see your concerns and agree in \t\t\tpart with you about ….\u201d<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
8. Leaders discourage disagreements<\/strong> and seek to \t\t\tencourage peace through calling for harmony and forgiveness.<\/td>\n8. Leaders invite disagreement<\/strong> and assist people \t\t\tsharing their ideas, needs and viewpoints.<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
\u201cIf we could just put aside our differences and forgive one \t\t\tanother everything will be fine and we can be a family again, \t\t\tbrothers and sisters in Christ\u201d.<\/td>\n\u201cWe will have many different ways of looking at this. Lets \t\t\tsee if we can get as many of these out on the table and understand \t\t\tthe merits of each view before we try to move to a decision\u201d<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
9. Group discussion is solution focused<\/strong>.<\/td>\n9. Group discussion is process focused<\/strong> seeking to \t\t\texplore the problem before a solution is sought.<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
‘\u201cX\u201d is the only possibility. No \u201cY\u201d is the best way \t\t\tto do this. OK but I will not accept any alternative but \u201cZ\u201d’<\/td>\n\u201cLets spend a little time agreeing how we will go about \t\t\tdiscussing this and reaching a decision. First we need to define \t\t\tthe issue clearly, after that generate as many options and \t\t\tapproaches to the issue we can come up with, then we will evaluate \t\t\tthe main points of each option and seek a collaborative solution.\u201d<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
10. Low tolerance of uncertainty<\/strong><\/td>\n10. Calmness and \t\t\tconfidence<\/strong> enable members to tolerate periods of \t\t\tuncertainty necessary in all good decision making.<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
\u201cLook, lets have a church meeting, put it to the vote and be \t\t\tdone with it\u201d<\/td>\n\u201cIt took some time and was a little scary when we produced \t\t\tsome radical options, but we got there in the long run and \t\t\teveryone is happy with the decision.\u201d<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<\/tbody>\n<\/table>\n

Adapted by Tim Dyer
\nfrom Mennonite Conciliation Service<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"\n\n\n<\/colgroup>\n\n\n\n\n\n
\n

Divided by conflict<\/h3>\n<\/td>\n

\n

Bound together by conflict<\/h3>\n<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n

1. Conflict viewed as wrong<\/strong>, sinful, sign of not caring, \t\t\tsomething to avoid at all costs. Some may be reluctant to \t\t\tdisagree with those they like or respect. It is avoided.<\/td>\n1. Conflict viewed as inevitable<\/strong>, neither right nor \t\t\twrong, an opportunity to grow, it can be evidence of involvement \t\t\tand concern. It is welcomed.<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
“If he disagrees with me, that proves he doesn’t care \t\t\tabout me and can’t be trusted. We need to pray for a change of \t\t\theart.”<\/td>\n\u201cIts going to take some time and energy to work this through \t\t\tbut it will be worth it as we both care a lot about the church and \t\t\twant the best outcome\u201d<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<\/tbody>\n<\/table>\n
Read More<\/span><\/a><\/div>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[3],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-104","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-church-conflict"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/johnmark.net.au\/ps\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/104","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/johnmark.net.au\/ps\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/johnmark.net.au\/ps\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/johnmark.net.au\/ps\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/johnmark.net.au\/ps\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=104"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/johnmark.net.au\/ps\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/104\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/johnmark.net.au\/ps\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=104"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/johnmark.net.au\/ps\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=104"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/johnmark.net.au\/ps\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=104"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}