{"id":187,"date":"2013-08-28T02:21:43","date_gmt":"2013-08-28T02:21:43","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/johnmark.net.au\/ps\/?p=187"},"modified":"2013-09-13T02:40:04","modified_gmt":"2013-09-13T02:40:04","slug":"difficult-conversations-do-your-homework","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/johnmark.net.au\/ps\/?p=187","title":{"rendered":"Difficult Conversations &#8211; Do your homework"},"content":{"rendered":"<p><strong>\u00a0<span style=\"color: #000080;\">Preparing for a difficult conversation<img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignright\" alt=\"\" src=\"http:\/\/blog.palmpartners.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2012\/07\/what-kind-of-counseling-can-I-get-at-Florida-Drug-rehab-facilities.jpg\" width=\"679\" height=\"452\" \/><a href=\"http:\/\/www.google.com.au\/imgres?safe=off&amp;sa=X&amp;biw=1280&amp;bih=918&amp;tbs=simg:CAQSYglbn0h-1WGKTRpOCxCwjKcIGjwKOggBEhS7BrkGvgbWBsIGsQavBtwG2QbOBhogqFWOo-16bQXCSIPHdQDiSH70-itH5qQ86wtpybZ8SqwMCxCOrv4IGgAMISQYPcU8rWp-&amp;tbm=isch&amp;tbnid=7MeEFgzncrwXiM:&amp;imgrefurl=http:\/\/thankyou99.weebly.com\/bacsitamlyvn.html&amp;docid=LH0TASi2fnNouM&amp;imgurl=http:\/\/thankyou99.weebly.com\/uploads\/1\/6\/8\/2\/16825564\/2336411_orig.jpg%253F293&amp;w=450&amp;h=300&amp;ei=wnkyUuiEJce5lAWj0IGwBg&amp;zoom=1&amp;ved=1t:3588,r:7,s:0,i:78\"><br \/>\n<\/a><\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n<p lang=\"en-GB\" align=\"RIGHT\"><span style=\"color: #000000;\"><span style=\"font-family: Calibri, sans-serif;\"><span style=\"font-size: small;\"><i>It takes years to construct a bridge but it can be brought down in minute.<\/i><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n<p lang=\"en-GB\" style=\"text-align: left;\" align=\"RIGHT\"><span style=\"color: #000000;\"><em>Very few people enjoy engaging someone else in a difficult conversation; even fewer relish the prospect of being called into one. A primary reason is that our experiences in these situations have often been very painful. For that reason, most people tend to avoid difficult conversations at all costs. The result is that unresolved issues fester because no one is willing to deal with them. These &#8216;steps&#8217; are intended to assist your thinking in knowing when and how to engage a difficult conversation and get the best possible outcome.<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n<p lang=\"en-GB\"><span style=\"color: #000000;\"><!--more--><strong>Step 1 \u2013 Always do some self work first<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>\n<p lang=\"en-GB\"><span style=\"color: #000000;\">The chance of a good outcome increases significantly when adequate reflection and thought goes into what to say and how to say it. <\/span><\/p>\n<\/li>\n<li>\n<p lang=\"en-GB\"><span style=\"color: #000000;\">Identify and manage (not dismiss or ignore) your own emotions first. Be aware of what you are feeling. Do some careful searching of your motivations for the conversation. In particular be aware of your emotional hooks in the situation and potentially with the person. <\/span><\/p>\n<\/li>\n<li>\n<p lang=\"en-GB\"><span style=\"color: #000000;\">Use the OC process. Objectification and Complexification. <\/span><\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>\n<p lang=\"en-GB\"><span style=\"color: #000000;\">Objectifying &#8211; Step back and try to get a clear handle on the issues. Can you describe clearly and concisely the behaviour which is causing the problem? Can you articulate the impact this behaviour has on you, the Corps, the team? Be aware of any policies or protocols which have a bearing on this situation. Be aware of your need for consistency in how you deal with the situation. Do you have accurate information? Do you have all the information?<\/span><\/p>\n<\/li>\n<li><span style=\"font-family: Calibri, sans-serif;\"><span style=\"font-size: small;\"><span style=\"color: #000000;\">Complexifying \u2013 \u201c<\/span><span style=\"color: #000000;\"><i>there is a simple answer to every problem and it is almost always wrong\u201d<\/i><\/span><span style=\"color: #000000;\">. Consider the situation from your perspective and as clearly as you can from the other&#8217;s perspective \u2013 examine your own needs, interests and values and those of the other person. Consider the options available to you. Adopt a mindset of inquiry and exploration. <\/span><\/span><\/span><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<\/li>\n<li>\n<p lang=\"en-GB\"><span style=\"color: #000000;\">Think about the role relationship which is the basis for the conversation. Is this an employer \u2013 employee conversation? Is it a captain \u2013 soldier conversation? Is this an accountability discussion between two individuals who have agreed to be accountable to each other? Is it an annual review? Supervision or mentoring? Being clear on the role you have, the role of the other person and the authority you have to conduct the conversation is important in how the conversation is planned and conducted. <\/span><\/p>\n<\/li>\n<li>\n<p lang=\"en-GB\"><span style=\"color: #000000;\">Work out your objective for the conversation. What is your desired outcome? What would you like the person to agree to do? What support for this could you offer? What obstacles might need to be overcome? What time-frame is appropriate? What do you perceive as the desired outcome of the other person? How will you know if you both have succeeded? <\/span><\/p>\n<\/li>\n<li>\n<p lang=\"en-GB\"><span style=\"color: #000000;\">Write some notes and sleep on it<br \/>\n<\/span><\/p>\n<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p lang=\"en-GB\"><strong><span style=\"color: #000000;\">Step 2 \u2013 Plan the meeting<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>\n<p lang=\"en-GB\"><span style=\"color: #000000;\">Know your conflict style. Don&#8217;t avoid or delay a needed meeting, don&#8217;t engage an unnecessary meeting<\/span><\/p>\n<\/li>\n<li><span style=\"font-family: Calibri, sans-serif;\"><span style=\"font-family: Calibri, sans-serif;\"><span style=\"font-size: small;\"><span style=\"color: #000000;\">Timing: Set up the meeting a day ahead of time, don&#8217;t drop it on someone without warning. You need time and they need time to prepare.<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><span style=\"font-family: Calibri, sans-serif;\"><span style=\"font-size: small;\"><span style=\"color: #000000;\"><i>&#8220;Pat, I would like to talk with you about your response at the meeting this morning when Chris asked about X situation. Let&#8217;s grab a cup of coffee tomorrow morning at 10 and talk it through&#8221; <\/i><\/span><span style=\"color: #000000;\">Or<\/span><span style=\"color: #000000;\"><i>: &#8220;Karen, I want to go over some of the issues with volunteer staff at the thrift shop and some concerns that I have around privacy and confidentiality. Can we meet tomorrow morning at 11.00am to work on these together?&#8221;\u00a0<\/i><\/span><\/span><\/span>\n<p lang=\"en-GB\"><span style=\"color: #000000;\">On the day of the meeting if possible always connect in a warm way somewhere in the morning. If possible always connect somewhere later in the day following a meeting to normalise the relationship. <\/span><\/p>\n<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<ul>\n<li><span style=\"font-family: Calibri, sans-serif;\"><span style=\"font-size: small;\"><span style=\"color: #000000;\">Location: <\/span><span style=\"color: #000000;\">Calling people into your office may not be the wisest strategy. Sitting in your space, behind your desk, shifts the balance of power heavily to your side. Even simple body language, such as leaning forward toward the person rather than leaning back on your chair, can carry a subtle message of your positive intentions. Consider holding the meeting in a neutral place such as a meeting room where you can sit adjacent to each other, or around a neutral table without your personal desk as a barrier. Don&#8217;t exclude the local coffee shop.<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<ul>\n<li>\n<p lang=\"en-GB\"><span style=\"color: #000000;\">Always plan for a one to one private conversation unless there is a need for the person to have a support person. Never have a difficult conversation in front of other people. If one starts, close it down and move it to a private space. <\/span><\/p>\n<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p><span style=\"font-family: Calibri, sans-serif;\"><span style=\"font-size: small;\"><span style=\"color: #000000;\"><br \/>\n<\/span><strong><span style=\"color: #000000;\">Step 3 \u2013 Actively Lead the meeting<\/span><\/strong><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>\n<p lang=\"en-GB\"><span style=\"color: #000000;\">It is not easy to engage a robust conversation. Know how you will begin. While rehearsing is not particularly helpful neither is going in with no idea how you will start. <\/span><\/p>\n<\/li>\n<li>\n<p lang=\"en-GB\"><span style=\"color: #000000;\">Don&#8217;t engage small talk \u2013 get straight to the point. <\/span><\/p>\n<p lang=\"en-GB\"><span style=\"color: #000000;\">\u201c<span style=\"font-family: Calibri, sans-serif;\"><span style=\"font-size: small;\"><i>Janet, I have asked you in because I have a concern about the way you speak to Claire. On two occasions now I have heard you make comments directly to her which are dismissive of her as a person. \u2026.This has an impact on me as team leader, I know it hurts Claire, and other staff also have been present when your comments were made. Your behaviour would appear to me to be clearly outside the type of working environment we are committed to here. Help me understand why this happens and what we are going to do to create better relationships&#8230;?\u201d <\/i><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n<\/li>\n<li>\n<p lang=\"en-GB\"><span style=\"color: #000000;\">Be clear and considerate. One without the other will either be harsh and destructive or will get you nowhere at the end. <\/span><\/p>\n<\/li>\n<li>\n<p lang=\"en-GB\"><span style=\"color: #000000;\">Think in \u201cI\u201d language not \u201cYou\u201d language<\/span><\/p>\n<table width=\"593\" rules=\"ROWS\" cellspacing=\"0\" cellpadding=\"6\">\n<colgroup>\n<col width=\"175\" \/>\n<col width=\"392\" \/> <\/colgroup>\n<tbody>\n<tr valign=\"TOP\">\n<td bgcolor=\"#c0c0c0\" width=\"175\">\n<p align=\"LEFT\">\u201c<span style=\"font-family: Calibri, sans-serif;\">You\u201d language<br \/>\n(Usually ineffective)<\/span><\/p>\n<\/td>\n<td bgcolor=\"#c0c0c0\" width=\"392\">\n<p align=\"LEFT\">\u201c<span style=\"font-family: Calibri, sans-serif;\">I\u201d language<br \/>\n(Usually more effective)<\/span><\/p>\n<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr valign=\"TOP\">\n<td width=\"175\" height=\"148\">\n<p align=\"LEFT\"><span style=\"font-family: Calibri, sans-serif;\">You are constantly asking for exceptions when it comes to completing required documents.<\/span><\/p>\n<p>You are continually late and you come unprepared for our team meetings.<\/td>\n<td width=\"392\">\n<p align=\"LEFT\"><span style=\"font-family: Calibri, sans-serif;\">I see the documentation procedures that I need in place being sidestepped, and I want to explore with you how to work out a practical way that gets these complete. <\/span><\/p>\n<p align=\"LEFT\"><span style=\"font-family: Calibri, sans-serif;\"><br \/>\nI have noticed that our meetings aren\u2019t as effective as they could be and I want to discuss how we can improve them. What is important to me is that you are able to contribute meaningfully and we get the benefit of your involvement.<\/span><\/p>\n<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<\/tbody>\n<\/table>\n<\/li>\n<li>\n<p lang=\"en-GB\"><span style=\"color: #000000;\">Be aware of the role and relational base you are working from in the conversation. Use it with consistency and care.<\/span><\/p>\n<\/li>\n<li>\n<p lang=\"en-GB\"><span style=\"color: #000000;\">Manage your anxiety and emotions well, facilitate the other&#8217;s emotions<\/span><\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>\n<p lang=\"en-GB\"><span style=\"color: #000000;\">Acknowledge emotions don&#8217;t ignore them e.g. anger, tears, fear, anxiety <\/span><\/p>\n<\/li>\n<li>\n<p lang=\"en-GB\"><span style=\"color: #000000;\">Offer the person a moment to collect themselves e.g. a tissue, glass of water<\/span><\/p>\n<\/li>\n<li>\n<p lang=\"en-GB\"><span style=\"color: #000000;\">Stay on task \u2013 the emotion is not the problem<\/span><\/p>\n<\/li>\n<li>\n<p lang=\"en-GB\"><span style=\"color: #000000;\">If emotions look like getting out of control (yours or theirs), immediately and respectfully close the meeting and reconvene later. Relationships are too important to destroy with outbursts of hurtful behaviour which will be regretted later. <\/span><\/p>\n<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<\/li>\n<li>\n<p lang=\"en-GB\"><span style=\"color: #000000;\">Be comfortable with silence. Silence can have a positive effect. It allows the message to be heard and especially for introverts allows time for thinking. <\/span><\/p>\n<\/li>\n<li>\n<p lang=\"en-GB\"><span style=\"color: #000000;\">Listen: You may well learn something new and important.<\/span><\/p>\n<\/li>\n<li>\n<p lang=\"en-GB\"><span style=\"color: #000000;\">Facilitate working to an agreed outcome. It is best if the outcome is based on an objective value you both agree with. If you need to insist on your preferred outcome as the person in authority, ask them if they are willing to accept this.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p><strong>\u00a0<span style=\"color: #000080;\">Preparing for a difficult conversation<img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignright\" alt=\"\" src=\"http:\/\/blog.palmpartners.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2012\/07\/what-kind-of-counseling-can-I-get-at-Florida-Drug-rehab-facilities.jpg\" width=\"679\" height=\"452\" \/><a href=\"http:\/\/www.google.com.au\/imgres?safe=off&amp;sa=X&amp;biw=1280&amp;bih=918&amp;tbs=simg:CAQSYglbn0h-1WGKTRpOCxCwjKcIGjwKOggBEhS7BrkGvgbWBsIGsQavBtwG2QbOBhogqFWOo-16bQXCSIPHdQDiSH70-itH5qQ86wtpybZ8SqwMCxCOrv4IGgAMISQYPcU8rWp-&amp;tbm=isch&amp;tbnid=7MeEFgzncrwXiM:&amp;imgrefurl=http:\/\/thankyou99.weebly.com\/bacsitamlyvn.html&amp;docid=LH0TASi2fnNouM&amp;imgurl=http:\/\/thankyou99.weebly.com\/uploads\/1\/6\/8\/2\/16825564\/2336411_orig.jpg%253F293&amp;w=450&amp;h=300&amp;ei=wnkyUuiEJce5lAWj0IGwBg&amp;zoom=1&amp;ved=1t:3588,r:7,s:0,i:78\"><br \/>\n<\/a><\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n<p lang=\"en-GB\" align=\"RIGHT\"><span style=\"color: #000000;\"><span style=\"font-family: Calibri, sans-serif;\"><span style=\"font-size: small;\"><i>It takes years to construct a bridge but it can be brought down in minute.<\/i><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n<p lang=\"en-GB\" style=\"text-align: left;\" align=\"RIGHT\"><span style=\"color: #000000;\"><em>Very few people enjoy engaging someone else in a difficult conversation; even fewer relish the prospect of being called into one. A primary reason is that our experiences in these situations have often been very painful. For that reason, most people tend to avoid difficult conversations at all costs. The result is that unresolved issues fester because no one is willing to deal with them. These &#8216;steps&#8217; are intended to assist your thinking in knowing when and how to engage a difficult conversation and get the best possible outcome.<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n<p lang=\"en-GB\"><span style=\"color: #000000;\"><\/span><\/p>\n<div class=\"read-more-wrapper\"><a class=\"read-more\" href=\"https:\/\/johnmark.net.au\/ps\/?p=187\" title=\"Read More\"> <span class=\"button \">Read More<\/span><\/a><\/div>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-187","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/johnmark.net.au\/ps\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/187","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/johnmark.net.au\/ps\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/johnmark.net.au\/ps\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/johnmark.net.au\/ps\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/johnmark.net.au\/ps\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=187"}],"version-history":[{"count":5,"href":"https:\/\/johnmark.net.au\/ps\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/187\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":192,"href":"https:\/\/johnmark.net.au\/ps\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/187\/revisions\/192"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/johnmark.net.au\/ps\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=187"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/johnmark.net.au\/ps\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=187"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/johnmark.net.au\/ps\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=187"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}