If you have been involved in a church or organisational process of consultation or facilitation you may have identified tense or broken relationships which are preventing you from contributing fully and effectively to managing or resolving the issues.
You may be a hurt or injured person in this context. You may also be aware that you have said or done things which have injured or hurt others. It is likely you will be both.
You will also have heard that it is necessary to reconcile relationships before work on the differences and issues can begin. It is important that issues are separated from relationships and the two are dealt with independently because if relationships are not reconciled any work on the issues gets reinfected by the anger, resentment and anxiety of unresolved relationships.
The opportunity to meet one to one with people in this situation who have hurt you or whom you have hurt is only one small part of the process but it is an important beginning. A couple of points:
- These meetings are simply about putting the relationship itself right not about discussing or attempting to resolve the substantive issues.
- The questions here are: What has been said or done which has injured another? Am I willing to hear how I have hurt another? Am I willing to honestly share my hurt? Am I willing to offer an apology? Am I willing to request and receive forgiveness for my actions? Am I willing to forgive the person who asks me for forgiveness?
- Reconciliation is not the same as restoration. Reconciliation puts the relationship right. It does not immediately restore it to what it was before. Restoration takes time and a rebuilding of trust. Restoration of relationship does not always happen. Relational reconciliation should however be a priority.
If you are an offending party (most of us are in times of conflict)
The first step is to listen and to reflect. If you are aware or become aware through listening of how you have hurt another person, it may be helpful to consider what elements to include in an apology to make it most effective and constructive. Many people actually appreciate a written apology. This implies time and effort put into this step toward reconciliation and can be given to the other person in the session together.
It is important however, before apologising, to ensure you have taken the time to understandthe situation, to reflect on your behaviour and on its consequences. This is important if the confession and repentance is to be genuine. If you do not fully understand the impact on the other person, take the time to listen and then to reflect before offering an apology. While there may be a complex set of factors which contributed to your behaviour, you need to accept responsibility for it and be clear about this in your communication. Avoid “if”, “but” and “however”. For this reason it may be valuable to write down what you want to say and even get some godly coaching in important situations to ensure you are honest and clear.
An appropriate apology includes confession, repentance and the request for forgiveness. It looks something like this:
- Begin with an acknowledgement that you have done wrong, not just generally, but specifically against this person. Let the party you’ve offended know that you acknowledge your wrongdoing against them and accept full responsibility for your behaviour. There are three parts to this acknowledgement. 1. It can help to be specific about the behaviour involved indicating you are aware of exactly what was done. 2. It is helpful also to be clear that this is wrong and that you are aware that the behaviour is unacceptable. In other words you pass judgement on your behaviour. 3. Finally it is important to acknowledge that the behaviour offended a specific person. It is against this person that you have done wrong.
- Acknowledge the personal hurt and harm your offence has caused. It is important to acknowledge that your behaviour has had consequences for the person and for your relationship. You are owning up not only to the offence but also to the harmful consequences your behaviour brought about.
- Express regret for the action and its consequences. Sharing a reflection of genuine regret is important. This is where saying the words “I am sorry for” is important.
- Demonstrate repentance by identifying an alternative biblical behaviour. Show that you have truly considered your behaviour by sharing what you should have done instead. Show what the appropriate alternative behaviour would have been and commit to acting this way in the future. This is an indication of time taken to consider the situation, its causes and the changes which will need to take place in you. Sharing this is a commitment to repentance.
- Conclude by a request for forgiveness. Acknowledge that if the offence has been deeply damaging this may take time and may not be easy for the other person to act on. In making a genuine apology however you have taken the first step in reconciliation.
“Peter, I need to apologise for my angry and ungracious words to you on Saturday evening a couple of weeks ago, I was hurt, angry and worried, and I let these things get the better of me, and ended up hurting you through my careless and insulting words. This was wrong of me and I feel embarrassed and ashamed of my behaviour to you. I know I hurt you deeply and caused a break in our relationship. I am sorry for what I said. I recognise now I should have collected myself, calmed down and thought about things before speaking. I think I would have handled the situation differently if I had been patient and a little more gentle. I am prepared to make a commitment to work on this area of my life. I apologise unreservedly to you and I ask you to extend forgiveness to me for what I have done”
If you have been hurt and are feeling injured (most of us also fit into this category)
First a little self reflection is in order here. Remember to watch for the log in your own eye before alerting a brother or sister to the splinter which pricked you. If you have considered this and can honestly say before God that this is not a situation which cannot be overlooked and needs to be addressed for the sake of the relationship, then finding some way to share this with the other person is appropriate. Biblically the appropriate pathway is to go them first alone and take another if this fails to get anywhere. Think carefully about how you express your injury. “I” statements are always better than “you” statements.
Mary, I wonder if we can talk privately for a few minutes. I need to share with you how I am feeling. ……. On Saturday night after our conversation, I felt humiliated, crushed and deeply hurt. What I heard really surprised me and left me feeling like I wanted to give up. I know we do things differently, however I feel like I am not valued and my contribution is not important to you. I need to let you know just how painful for me our conversation was. I feel this incident has created tension in our relationship which I would like to see made right. I am asking you if we could meet to talk this over and seek reconciliation together.
Relational reconciliation is only the first step in conflict resolution. It is however necessary and essential. We cannot get to work on major issues if relationships are not put right.
“Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ, God forgave you. Ephesians 4:32